Bojo Nojo Ono

Oh no! It wasn’t some hideous nightmare. It’s real: Boris Johnson is Foreign Secretary No joke. Having watched the clown prince of politics shuffle sheepishly into No 10 I thought I’d fallen asleep and imagined it. But there he was, larger than life, at a press conference with his US counterpart John Kerry, exchanging inanities and brushing off journalists’ barbs about his lies and gaffes. Obiter dicta, waffled Boris, which for all you plebs who’ve never been to Eton, is Latin for remarks made in passing.

And it all started so well for Theresa May, Iron Lady version 2.0. Lulling us with the old dope on a revamped rope spiel from Saint Francis of Assisi, hitting sweet notes to soothe those furrowed post-Brexit brows, she ruined it with one clanging discord – Bojo was our new Foreign Secretary.

I don’t think I’ll ever recover from the shock. Of all the people least qualified for the job, Boris must top the pile. Short on detail, long on drivel, his Delphic utterances contain less weight than a soufflé. He’s currently Stateside, peddling the nonsense that the EU has finally woken up to the point of Brexit and, guess what, will be happy to strike a deal that will give us single market access and immigration controls. Yeah, dream on.

Back in the real world, the pound has tanked and UK business activity and confidence are heading the same way.The economy is shrinking at its fastest rate since 2009, a very inconvenient truth for the likes of Johnson, Gove, Duncan-Smith et al. who sneeringly dismissed the warnings of experts as “scaremongering” and thereby duped millions into voting Leave. We have legislation deterring companies from making false claims: it’s a great pity it can’t be applied to politicians.