How to make two weeks seem like two years

He’s been in power for a couple of weeks, but it seems like two years. Tweets, controversy, executive orders, walls, alternative facts, travel bans, more tweets, more controversy, travel bans banned, man-child Donald careers from billionaire and reality TV star to billionaire and surreality politics. Doesn’t he ever sleep? How long can he keep this up? Will he avoid a heart attack before his UK state visit?

Talking of which, Saint Theresa has made a bit of a blooper. Cringingly desperate for a special relationship and a trade deal she invited the Donald this side of the pond for dinner at the Palace. Imagine the Queen’s face when she found out. What should one talk about over the coffee and liqueurs – waterboarding? Doh! Who says the Royal Family have it easy? Most Presidents wait a couple of years for the royal handshake, Donald cracks it in two weeks, then the you-know-what hits an industrial size fan.

Back in Poundland, Brits have more cause for despair. The White Paper on Brexit hit the shelves, a document gossamer thin on detail but pumped full of pomp and bluster about a “truly global Britain”. Apparently, we’re going to do great trade deals with everyone and in double quick time because we’re the world’s fifth largest economy. Mais attendez: the US is much bigger than us, and the EU is even bigger. Sacre bleu! But don’t worry mes amis, we can slash corporation tax and become a global leader in ”competitiveness”. Just don’t expect to get any social services you poor people and wimpy libs.

And what about climate change? No problem. Buy more sandbags and stuff ‘em round your front door. Here’s where the UK can cut a great deal with the Saudis. I suggest Boris of Arabia as our special desert envoy. Hot air suits him.