Scotland the Heatwave

Och aye the noo! Forget Scotland the Brave, get used to Scotland the Heatwave. Owen Paterson, UK minister for the environment, has hit on a fantastic way of dealing with global warming. Far from worrying about it, we’ll all just plant our crops further north.

Cue Scotland’s food renaissance. Instead of boring, tasteless stuff like neeps, tatties and oats, we can grow avacados at Arbroath, mangos on Mull, nectarines in Nethy Bridge, peaches in Peterhead, piri piri in Pollock. And that’s not all. Think of the tourism potential. Forget about shivering in your thermals on Broughty Ferry beach, you can dust off your speedos and flipflops and plunge in the molten waters of the Tay, better than any Turkish bath. And no more putting up with snide insults about peelie-wally Scots.

Indeed, I can see a vision of Scotland as the new Costa Blanca, easyJet budget flights direct from Gatwick to Plockton.  Make sure you buy shares in Soltan and you’ll be laughing all the way to the bank as well as the beach.

In fact, to take Owen’s idea that crucial step further, we should be accelerating global warming, not trying to slow it down. So drive further, drive faster, fly longer, turn up the patio heaters and burn as much fossil fuel as you can. You know it makes sense!.